It is astounding at times to hear the wondrous variety of crazy things people say to a widow when they don’t know what to say.
Standing in the receiving line during my husband’s funeral visitation for two solid days, I received the condolences of almost two thousand people. As an introvert who does her best to avoid people on a good day, I was terrified of having to endure the well wishes of the masses. Everyone kept asking me how I was coping.
To say that I was surprised by the exhilaration I felt instead, would be the epitome of understatement. Clearly the grief hadn’t hit yet.
People brought some very much needed energy and love to share and I was beyond grateful for that. Some of the stories and comments were so uplifting and encouraging. It was easy to see how loved he was, and by extension, we were, too.
But every once in a while, someone would approach me, promptly take off their shoe, and shove their foot in their mouth as deep as it would go.
The most memorable – and probably shocking – was the man who held my hand as he explained that he had only really come to make sure Hubs was dead. Because then his wife would have to shut up about how great he was. Apparently, this poor man could not cook, mow the lawn, parent his kids, or, indeed, love his wife as well as my husband ‘definitely would have.’
With no clue as to how to respond to this confession, and looking over the man’s shoulder at my closest friend wearing exactly the facial expression I was doing my level best to hide, I simply leaned in close and told him, ‘Well, if it makes you feel any better, Hubs wasn’t quite perfect.’
The man beamed, hugged me, and went on his way.
I offered up a silent apology to Hubs for throwing him under the bus like that, but the man needed something.
I am absolutely positive that I burst a sinus with the snort that feebly contained my laughter as he left.
People say some stupid shit to you when you’re hurting.
And when you’re hurting because someone you love dearly has died, some of those words can set you off in a way you’re not expecting.
It is common for simple good wishes to trigger all sorts of negative emotions. They can leave us angry, bereft, hopeless. Despite the speaker’s best intentions.
‘He’s in a better place now.’
‘You’re so strong; I couldn’t do what you’re doing.’
‘You can always re-marry. You’ll find someone else.’
‘I know how you feel. My grandma/best friend/dog died last year.’
‘Call me if you need anything at all.’
We’ve heard them all. They manage to seep through the pain and loneliness of our loss. And some days it takes everything we have not to punch some well-meaning friend in the throat because, in reality, they have no clue what we’re going through.
But that’s the point. They don’t have a clue what widowhood really means.
They don’t know what we’re feeling, or how much it hurts.
They are saying what they think is the right thing to say.
But, in the end, there is no right thing to say. Nothing they say will help or change anything.
Still, they try.
We have to remember where the sentiment is coming from. A place of pure ignorance that has collided with a place of absolute compassion. They’re trying.
But they don’t know.
And if you really dig deep and think about it, you’re honestly, truly glad that they don’t.
Dragonfly You 
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