Many of us fall into widowhood with an intense need to fix everything.
In a desperate attempt to get life back to ‘normal’ as quickly as possible, we start rearranging our lives into what we think we want.
The problem is that we don’t know what we want yet.
In fact, whether this was something that happened unexpectedly in an instant, or something we’ve had months – even years – to plan for, the reality of this new life as a widow is going to derail our most basic expectations.
We think we know what we’d do. We think we know how we’d feel. We think we know what to expect.
But until we’re dropped into the middle of an open sky with no parachute, we don’t really know.
Our sense of time is going to be skewed. Time will seem to slow to a crawl, and we’ll watch the world go by in slow motion. But then we’ll look back and won’t be able to figure out how it’s been two years already.
We’ll fall apart and melt into a puddle on the floor the first time we can’t open a jar of jam. But we can sail through the funeral with grace and ease.
The fact is, we almost never react the way we think we’re going to.
And that’s okay!
As long as we give ourselves the space and time to let things settle, sort through our thoughts and reactions, and figure out where to go from here. To figure out what we want. To make a plan.
Widowhood means that nothing is as it was. Our selves were so entwined with theirs. And unravelling our own selves back into someone we can live with will take time, thought, and effort.
What we don’t want to do is to just see what happens.
We don’t want to jump into rash decisions that we’ll most certainly regret when the day comes that we wake up to who we really want to be and realize we’ve closed too many doors.
Selling the house and moving, quitting a job, starting a new relationship.
Heck, even cutting all our hair off.
All of these can be choices that we think make sense at the time. We’re looking for some sense of control when we’ve lost control over the most basic parts of our lives.
Resist the urge to change things.
Yes, there are some of us who have planned and prepared for the eventuality of widowhood. We decided long ago that we would find long-lost dreams, follow our hearts, return to our purpose. Maybe the loss comes at the end of an excruciatingly long illness. Or maybe the marriage was far from ideal. It’s normal to think about what if‘s while we’re suffering through a life we didn’t choose or expect.
Those of us who have had this fortunate foresight are able to begin moving forward, benefitting – at long last – from the head start that circumstance allowed.
But most of us begin that journey into this New Unknown much closer to the time of death. Barely expected, if at all, we’re dropped onto a new path that is as foreign to us as it is frightening.
We need to take some time to adjust. To calm down. To think things through. To decide what we want and where we’re going.
Before we throw away all of their clothes. Before we melt the wedding rings down. Before we move to the other side of the country. Before we give all of their artwork to their sister. Before we buy an RV and drive to Yukon.
Because the decisions we make now shouldn’t be salt in the wound. The last thing we need is to make things harder than they need to be.
Dragonfly You 
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