Of all the conversations a widow will have, this one is probably the most provocative.
For the widow, and for whomever she’s talking to.
Everybody has an opinion.
And that’s the point. It’s an opinion. Everybody’s entitled to one.
What we choose to do, when we choose to do it. Where, how, and with whom is nobody’s bloody business.
Big fat black dot period.
That said, there are a few cautionary tidbits to consider before jumping back into the dating/relationship/sex pool.
Beware the Widow’s Fire
Many of us quite unexpectedly run into this at some point. Often more than once.
Our bodies react to widowhood just as our minds and hearts do: with a colossal and often embarrassing over-reaction.
It is common for widows to go through bouts of almost unbearable horniness.
It’s easy to mistake the racing hormones and overwhelming need for touch as just feeling a little lonely, or maybe some Spring Fever. But the reality is that your body will go through a period – sometimes cycle through many – of withdrawal after losing a consistent source of physical touch.
Those of us most surprised by this phenomenon are usually the ones who didn’t realize how much touching was happening during the relationship.
No matter how you come by it, be warned that it can be quite a controlling force in all of our actions and reactions. Though the excessive needs will wane, we need to recognize our bodies’ need for physical intimacy and that this is real and normal.
What you choose to do about this, whether you choose to act on it – how you choose to act on it – is entirely up to you.
Just read more below about knowing what you truly want before getting intimate with someone. You don’t need regret and guilt on top of grief.
And, especially for those of us who’ve been out of the game for a while, safe sex is more a thing now than ever before. Get tested. Make sure your partner is tested. And use protection.
Too Soon?
Only you can decide when you’re ready. Take any time limits/restraints/socially acceptable norms and toss them.
Nobody knows how hard widowhood is for you. Not even other widows. Nobody has a right to judge.
This is you looking after you.
Just make sure that this is your decision and that this is what you want.
Ask Yourself Why
Part of deciding to start something new is stopping to ask yourself why.
Why is this something you feel you need to be doing? Why now? Why this person?
Take the time to seriously and honestly answer these questions for yourself. Don’t cheat. Don’t lie to yourself.
Because if you’re just doing this to stave off the loneliness…
Or because you miss him…
Or because everyone else is a couple and you miss that…
You’ll likely regret your choice down the road.
Make sure that you’re ready for whatever this relationship is. That this is a person you truly want to share yourself with. And that this is something you actively want to be doing.
Don’t just do it because it’s what’s happening at the time, or because it’s convenient. Only start a new relationship – of any kind – with deliberation and purpose.
Know What You Want
Make a list.
Seriously. Get a piece of paper and a pen and write it out by hand.
Get clear on what you want. Describe your perfect partner. Describe the perfect relationship.
Doesn’t matter if it’s a one-night stand, a FWB (friends with benefits), or marriage. You define it.
This is your order form. Fill it out precisely, or you’ll be disappointed.
Knowing what you want makes it easier to recognize it when you see it. And it makes it easier to accept when it shows up.
Get Backup
Enlist the help of a close friend or family member. Share your intentions. Tell them what you’re looking for, and whom. Get them clear on exactly what your expectations are.
Keep them up to date on how things are progressing. And be honest.
Widows are vulnerable!
It’s soooo easy to take advantage of us – our emotions, our bodies, our money, our independence. We are super easy pickings for the bad guys.
It is always a good idea to have a trusted friend standing right behind us to second guess everything and help keep us safe.
You may feel very exposed in the process, but it’s nothing to the humiliation and regret that comes from losing thousands of dollars to a catfish, or catching some STI from a player, or falling victim to an abuser.
This happens far too often. Don’t kid yourself. Be careful out there!
When You Have Kids
There is far too much to unpack here when it comes to starting a new relationship when you have kids still at home.
But the bottom line is, they have to come first.
Enlist the help of a qualified therapist as you navigate these stormy waters. We don’t often get to put our needs ahead of those of our children.
And this is one area where we should move forward very, very carefully.
Dragonfly You 
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