More than a half century after this ground-breaking take on death and dying shone a new light on the medical profession’s obsession with saving lives, the world seems to have taken an enlightening and helpful concept and shoved it down the throats of the wrong people.
A Little General Background
Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first outlined the Five Stages of Death and published her findings to the masses in the 1950’s in her book On Death & Dying. We all know them:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Working with dying patients, Dr. Kübler-Ross was able to identify patterns in the paths taken by those facing their own deaths and summarize them for us simple folk.
Over time, the general evolution of misunderstanding would expand those paths to include people who are mourning a loss. Of pretty much any kind. We all grieve loss.
Unfortunately, for us widows, this means that we are likely to run into someone (likely many someones) who think they know what we’re going through, how to go through it, and how long it should take.
Let’s just get to the point here:
There is no rule book
on how you should grieve
and how long it should take.
Whatever you’re feeling,
however you’re coping,
whatever your plans,
however your grief looks to you
is exactly right and perfect for you.
Of course I’m going to caveat that and say, unless you’re considering harm to yourself or others. While I completely understand the desire to end a life that no longer holds hope or purpose, I would ask you to just hold on.
A little longer.
Consider your options.
Get help.
You just don’t know what’s coming.
If anything, this loss you’re grieving wasn’t something you planned either. We don’t get to know what’s right around the corner. And while I know for a fact that nothing will never fix the pain for you, nothing will never replace your person, I do also know for a fact that there are things that can be incredibly worth sticking around for.
Talk to your therapist, your clergy, your doctor. Click this link to access help online. It’s a Canadian phone number to call or text. Or Google ‘online suicide help’ for a contact closer to you.
But don’t give up just yet. I know it hurts like fucking hell!!! I know.
But not yet. Not until you’ve given it everything you have. Not yet.
Widowhood does not follow these five stages.
It does include them, certainly.
But it also includes
- fear
- despair
- exhaustion
- anger
- guilt
- regret
- loneliness
- confusion
- boredom
- euphoria
- relief
- and pretty much every other emotion we’re capable of feeling
Pick any one or more from the list above, juggle them together, throw them randomly at yourself, and repeat.
No particular order. No one-and-done. No limit as to how many are partying in your mind at any given time. No warning as to when they’ll show up or how long they’ll stay.
It is, in no uncertain terms, a shitshow of spectacular proportions.
What my point is here, is that each of us is unique. Each of us has lost a very unique person, in a very unique way. So that gives us unique3 number of ways to grieve.
And anyone who thinks they can tell you it’s time, or it’s too early, or you need to ‘get over it,’ or any other useless and unwanted piece of drivel can just fuck the fuck off.
There. I said it.
You may choose to be more diplomatic in your reactions. Mostly, I recommend erring on the side of feigned compassion.
But you know we’re all thinking it. I just said it out loud.
And even that feels a little good.
Dragonfly You 
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